You should know this is the weirdest discovery for me. I have always been a sorta ‘spiritual soul’ in a weirdish way… like I would worship a lamp before I would believe in “your God” type.
But I believe. Like the little Girl in Miracle on 34th street, I believe in you, God. I even emulate you in really big ways. Ok seriously, I know if you know me you just spit your tea/dr pepper/pepsi/monster out of your mouth reading those words. Thinking to yourselves?! Oh my fuck! Is she crazy?!! What the hell did she smoke?! hahaha
And to you as my good friend the monster drinker himself would say… “NAY NAY NAY” And I would laugh out loud at the light dancing in his crystal blue eyes.
I do. I really do Emulate those whose behaviors I admire. And for that I am following HIS words and deeds, I guess.
And they lead me to enlightenment. And I am pretty sure if God is listening… with perhaps the large exception of the abuse of his own name, HE/SHE probably swears like a sailor and doesnt get hung up on the whole marriage thing, either. I mean, why do you suppose he never bothered to do it!?
So I have recently been challenged in the relationship department. A lot. And a few of you on this ride with me have, too. I hope that isn’t totally my fault. I actually think it sorta kinda was… and then sorta kinda wasn’t. In the ethereal sense, yes, and in the practical sense, no. I’m not that powerful.
I am living the power of the Atonement. I am. I have sinned. I have hurt people I love. And for that I have truly sorrowfully repented to each of you, and to myself for short changing my own happiness.
I was a deep and ridiculous coward. And I am proud I am not now.
And I have forgiven everyone who has ever hurt me, and I will commit to forgiving anyone who ever hurts me.. ever.. for always… and for no matter what. And believe me right here and right now there are no exceptions to this for me. Not anymore. Its been tested, and anyone of you are free to test me here.
It doesnt happen that often, which may only surprise one of you that will read this… because I am almost never sure of myself… and I am as sure of this as I am of the love we share, maybe more
Some of you have told me you see me as weak because ” I cant let go”.
Some of the people I love still ask themselves questions like “what is in this for me?” This is not a question I ever ask. It doesnt actually occur to me think like that. Im less concerned with what you can give me, unless you are willing to simply share yourselves openly and let the collective pool together and form a new thing… an US. A place where we have inside jokes, and history, and celebrate our triumphs and come to find shelter after tragdey.
And you know what I know? I know that I am strong. My heart has been broken and still beats proudly. And I know that for the ones who matter you will know I love you. Each and every single one of you.
Oh… and all this ewy gooey love shit I am sending out to each of you entitles each of you EXACTLY ONE yes, I mean it, ONE I will come help you move and pack party invitations so make it a good one!
And for the ones I have helped move twice, and for the one of you I helped move 4 times in two years in big ways and small ones- I will always help you pack and move. Its kinda part of “our thing”
If any of you need me tonight… JC and I will be hanging out with the dream king*